The Person behind She's brave

I'm Sarah, born in 1997 in Switzerland. I grew up as the 2nd to the last, in a family of 6.

If you asked the people around me, they'd probably say I grew up in what people call a "safe environment."

My parents were looking out for my siblings and I, we lived in a beautiful house in a small village, we went to church every Sunday, worshipped together every night before bed, I was able to celebrate birthdays, was able to go to dance class once a week and I always had a warm bed to sleep in, running fresh water and enough food on the table.

Sounds like a perfect childhood

...

Behind closed doors, everything wasn't as shiny as it seemed. I was born with a heredity disease, referred as hereditary multiple exostoses (HME) or multiple osteochondromas. This disease basically has your bones grow tumours in the joints, which leads to interfering with near by blood vessels, tendons, nerves, body growth and causing overall troubles in movement, which had me have regular check ups at the hospital, and starting at the Age of 8, have surgery all the years up to 18.

Looking back I would say this part of my childhood made me stronger, rather than taking from me. I had to go through pain and many difficulties, not being able to choose over my time as much as a child needs to, but, I also got a lot of attention, had to learn about being grateful for everything and getting independent quickly. I never saw myself as a victim.

But something else had me doing a lot of inner healing in my late teens and early twenties.

With the age of 11, I slowly started to become depressed. I couldn't either describe, what was going on in my head and hearts, nor communicate the deep feelings of inadequacy, anger and hopelessness. Everything was heavy, dark and it wouldn't let me go. What I didn't know at that point, was the history of depression in my family, the patterns repeating themselves over and over again.

I tried getting rid of it by screaming and stumping in my room, but it wouldn't stop. I also didn't like the way I looked, so one day I decided to slowly deprive myself of eating things I liked but were " forbidden foods." It started with unhealthy snacks like chips and cakes at the aperitif after church, continued with isolating myself from my family, not eating at the dinner party, just eating in my room, to taking of one food after the other from my plate, until I stopped eating at all.

At the same time I was punishing myself with excessive sport behaviours, punishing myself to ride the bike on the heaviest setting, even up hill, punishing myself to repeat the whole nightmare once I reached the top, going down and riding up again. and again.

I was lost.

I needed help, but I didn't know how what was wrong or how to ask for it..

When my parents sent me to the hospital for checkups, since I was loosing so much weight, I felt betrayed. I felt as if they left me there alone and the sadness took an all time low.

The years to come were characterised by lots of self work, emotional healing, un-/learning, learning about self worth, finding out what I want and don't want for my life, setting boundaries and finding my way back to a life that holds a future worth living and fighting for.

These years weren't easy and the journey surely wasn't Linear at all.

I had many decisions to make, decisions of which even the smallest seamed too heavy and difficult to handle in the beginning, as if it was a matter of life or death.

But I learned to take them and be okay with the result, even if the outcome wasn't what I preferred a situation to look like. I learnt that this is life, making little and big decisions, that will paint that beautiful life line of yours.

This last phrase "decisions that paint your life line", would have been a reason for me to stop and stay stuck 15 years ago, I wouldn't have understood, I would have said: "You see, my whole life depends on this small, single decision, so how am I supposed to bare that big weight of deciding, what if I choose wrong? TELL ME, WHAT IS THE RIGHT DECISION?!"

Today I'd smile and answer this question to myself with:

"The act of making the decision itself is, what shapes who you are, not if it was the wrong or right one - As a matter of fact, if you don't know, there is no wrong decision, and the important thing is your reaction to it.

Before you can truly know yourself, you experience the result of this or that decision and slowly but surely you will start having this feeling in your gut, before making any decisions, because you've learnt you.

Your experiences of making decisions will help you make new decisions in the future. So the more decisions you make now, no matter how difficult they are, the more precise you will hear that inner voice tell you what to chose in the future, the more true you will stay to yourself. So go on and make decisions, and don't be afraid of the outcome.

Two major factors, that helped me on that journey were:

1. Period(s) of isolation &

2. Getting closer to God

In order to become able to hear, feel and listen to my inner voice, I had to go through periods of isolation.

The first one being: moving out, moving from my mother's, shared flat to getting my own apartment.

I still remember it as if it was yesterday, the deep peace, quietness and silence, when I arrived in my apartment. All the noises in my head, the overthinking, the constant stressing - Just - still. . .

This moment was beyond powerful, encouraging, it was a "Yes, Sarah, You made the right decision(s), you're going to be okay."

And I'm not saying, that this peacefulness, this stillness wasn't present at the places I was before - BUT, I'm saying that 18 years old Sarah needed that step, that room and she was proud and beyond thankful to have taken it.

The 2nd time she had to use isolation to bring herself forward in her path was after one friendship to her best friend at the time ended. She had to go back into herself and redirect her path of life. During this time, I made some big decisions, I reflected over past decisions, resulting outcomes and experiences and made new decisions for my life, took notes of what I do no longer want in my life and was able to step onto a new, different path. Did I wish my past gone? No! Was it hurtful? Yes! Did start to learn "myself" ? YES, ABSOLUTELY!

The other point was going back to my source. As I said, I grew up as a Christian, I thought I knew Jesus when I was a young girl, he carried me through my surgeries, I went to healing sermons with my parents, I had people pray over me for all my life. Still - I felt as if he was distant, not touchable, not speaking to me, not answering, after all, I was the one wanting him (or honestly anyone) taking the burden called "decision making" away from me and do it for me.

I recall watching New Born Christians in church or in TV, talking about the "Big Miracle" God has done in their lives, and how they were at the bottom when Jesus came and saved them in the last second and how now, they can always hold on to that moment. I listened to that and thought to myself: Why God, why not me, why do I not get this one, miraculous encounter with you, I would remember it all the days of my life and refuel of it when I felt down or when in doubt.

But when I sat in that moment of isolation, looking back on the many decisions that brought me where I was then, no matter if right or wrong, I found that:

1. God was the sole and single constant in it all, the one who has been at my side, protecting me, watching over me, when no one else was there, or I found myself in questionable situations. And

2. Haven't I, been on the bottom all this time as well, not even realising, the influence I was surrounding myself with was not bringing me, where I truly want to go?

During it all, solidifying my relationship to Jesus Christ, concentrating on him, reading his word, being in constant relationship with him helped me find my way even more.

I started my studies, stayed focused and graduated with my BA of Arts in Primary Education.

During this period, I was filled with gratitude of being able to study, and go to school again after many years just working to get by, it was filled with a lot of Firsts, and although not easy times as well of course, I grew up.

With my latest travel journey to Zanzibar, Tanzania, I not only found myself a new home, real Love after many years of toxic situationships, but I could let go of the last peace of trauma, sickness, insecurities, pain I was carrying in my backpack all these years.

Chronic illnesses I carried with me for over 10 years, some of which questioning if I ever would be able to carry and give birth to my own children, just dropped - My body and soul felt home again.

And with that last peace of negativity, heaviness and mental boundaries falling,

I knew that now,

a new chapter of life

can finally

START

And this is the why I started helping other women reclaim their freedom, their voice, their identity, their joy -

THEIR LIFE.

You -

are the reason I'm doing what I'm doing.